


The difference between murder and sacrifice

by PanWithPlans



Category: Kingdom Hearts (Video Games)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, DiZ deserves nothing, Everyone Needs A Hug, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Roxas (Kingdom Hearts), Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Esteem Issues, Sora's Heart (Kingdom Hearts), Suicide, Temporary Character Death, Vanitas Redemption (Kingdom Hearts), but only for Xion, except DiZ, seriously like fuck him
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25098928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PanWithPlans/pseuds/PanWithPlans
Summary: In his short time being alive, Roxas had many things to regret.But he wouldn’t… he couldn’t regret returning to Sora....Roxas had only been around for about a year, yet here he was throwing it away again.He hadn't accepted a life in the darkness, but hadn't prepared for a future in the light.
Relationships: Naminé & Roxas (Kingdom Hearts), Roxas & Vanitas (Kingdom Hearts), Roxas & Ventus (Kingdom Hearts), Roxas & Xion (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 42





	The difference between murder and sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> tw: suicide, self-hatred,

In his short time being alive, Roxas had many things to regret.

But he wouldn’t… he couldn’t regret returning to Sora.

He wasn’t supposed to exist, only being around because of Sora. So it was only right that he return to where he belongs.

Nothingness.

It was where he belonged.

But Roxas hadn’t expected to have a sense of awareness.

Whenever Sora saw something familiar to him, such as the usual place, he could feel Roxas’s emotions.

It was strange for both of them. But at least Roxas knew he was inside Sora’s heart, whereas Sora didn’t even know he existed.

It was… strangely lonely.

But that was the way of nonexistence.

And Roxas was fine to wait it out despite the crushing loneliness.

…

…

Then another stained glass…thing? appeared from where there was once blackness.

This one looked older, like it had been there for a long time unlike his newer, fresher looking one.

Roxas wanted to go see if anyone was there, but he couldn’t.

For one reason, there were no stairs, and he couldn’t just up and fly there.

And… something inside him wanted to hide, wanted to stay in the safety of his isolation with nothing but his memories of Axel, and Sora’s old and new experiences.

It was his safety.

He didn’t want to let go of it yet.

…

…

After a while, Roxas had assumed that nobody was on the stained glass, that it was just there, even though that didn’t really make sense.

Then someone spoke.

“Hello?”

It sounded very similar to him. Scarily similar to him.

Roxas found himself shouting a greeting back before he could stop himself.

This was happening then.

“Are you alright down there?”

The voice didn’t sound like it was shouting. It was more like the sound was in his head. But… not.

Who was this person? Who had been in Sora’s heart for so long that their stained glass started to chip and crack?

Or… maybe they came here with a hurting heart.

Roxas wouldn’t know anything about that. He didn’t have a heart to hurt.

“Hello?”

He had forgotten about the person.

“Yeah. I’m ok.”

“That’s good.”

There’s silence for a while, but the knowledge of someone being there pushes back some of the loneliness.

“I’m Ventus. But you can call me Ven.”  
…

“You don’t have to tell me your name if you don’t want to.”

That’s good. His name was all Roxas had left.

He wanted to have it for his once, even if just for a moment.

Ventus huh.

This was going to be interesting.

…

…

Ventus talked often, but was…quiet.

He was healing from his hurt. A shattered heart. Roxas couldn’t even imagine what that would be like. But from what tiny bits of information Ven had peppered into conversation, he had been healing in Sora’s heart for a long time.

Most else of what Ven said went over his head.

Marks of Mastery, training, and so many names.

Ven talked a lot.

Roxas didn’t talk as much. Talking about Axel made him lonely. Talking about Twilight Town made him angry. Talking about the organisation made him feel…something, he wasn’t sure what.

But those three things were all he knew, unlike Ven who had years of experiences to talk about.

Ven didn’t seem to mind though.

“Ven?”

“Yes Roxas?”

“Are we friends?”

“…Yeah.”

That’s cool.

They didn’t speak any more that day.

….

…

“I don’t want to be in here?” “Why not?” “Because I’m not Sora!”

Ven was silent for a few moments, most likely thinking up a response.

Or thinking how to take back the friendship. Can people do that?

“You’re not Sora.” He finally says, but he can tell it wasn’t to appease him. Ven sounded so genuine, like he actually believed him.

Nobody had ever believed him before.

“You said you came from him. But you have your own heart. That’s how you’re still here now.”

He… he had a heart?

But Roxas was a nobody. Everyone in the organisation had told him that he had no heart, that he couldn’t feel emotion and that what he felt was false.

They had lied to him.

His existence was a lie.

Everything he had known was a lie.

He had served his purpose as a (mostly) obedient member. And even when he didn’t want to, he still killed heartless for them. He still helped them.

Why didn’t he question what happened at Castle Oblivion?

Why didn’t he ask about the memories he was seeing?

Why did he do any of it?

Roxas had known the reason since the start.

He was weak.

He had the chance to live his own life outside of the organisation and the simulations, but chose to return to where he wouldn’t have any responsibilities or chances.

The weak option.

Ven wasn’t weak, he was healing.

Roxas was weak. Hiding away as a nobody when he was as real as anyone else.

“roxas.”

Axel. Axel had to have known. Roxas remembered the conversation on the clocktower. Questioning whether he had a heart. Whether any of them had a heart.

But then he had betrayed him.

“Roxas.”

The sounds of cracking were overwhelmed by his heart.

Now knowing he had a heart; he was allowing himself to feel. And he was hurting.

“Roxas! You need to stop!”

The organisation and his complacency. Axel’s betrayal. DiZ. The simulations.

Roxas was hurting. He was hurting and wanted it to stop. But at the same time, he felt elated.

He had a heart. His own heart. Not Sora’s.

He was his own person, not a nobody that will never truly exist.

He was alive.

“Thank you Ven.”

“It’s ok, Roxas.”

…

…

“What if I killed DiZ?”

Now that Roxas knew he had a heart, he could allow himself to feel the emotions he had brushed aside.

DiZ was just the latest in his line of victims.

“That would be murder.”

“I’ve killed before.”

“Human murder.”

“You’re no fun.”

And so he returns to stew on his own.

Things had been more interesting recently.

Outside of the heart, Sora had returned to Twilight Town. The familiarity of everything was what had set Roxas off.

His friends would never know who he was. Though to him, his real friends there would always be the ones from the simulation, however fake they were.

“…but if I took over Sora, I could just find DiZ, stab him and call it a day. The world would be a better place.”

He could hear Ven’s airy laugh and joined in. He liked laughing. Its what reminds him of friendship. Well, laughter and ice cream.

“Have you ever had sea salt ice cream? They sell the best stuff in Twilight Town. You’ll have to go when you can return to yourself.”

“Will you not be leaving?”

“No.”

He couldn’t. He had no body. He had no connection what with Axel probably hating him. He had no reason.

He was fine inside Sora, plotting murder against DiZ and Xemnas.

“But Rox-“ “I said no!”

“…I’m sorry.”

Roxas knew he shouldn’t have yelled from the moment the words left his mouth. God he was an idiot.

“No. I’m sorry.”

Ven didn’t respond, so Roxas just sat there, staring into the blank expanse of the Sora’s heart.

…

…

“I have a… friend, Vanitas. He won’t return either.”

Roxas hadn’t heard of Vanitas before.

“We used to be the same person, but were split. Light and darkness. Me and my friends had to fight him a few times, and his creatures, the unversed. He doesn’t want to return and force his negativity on anyone.”

Unversed? Split? God Roxas had never wanted to hug someone more.

“If you ever speak to him again, tell him that he could just ask his unversed to… not force their negativity on anyone?”

He can hear Ven snort.

“He appreciates the concern, but kindly asks you to fuck off.”

… What the fuck?

Was Vanitas inside Ven’s heart?

This was new information Roxas didn’t have the patience to deal with.

“Hey Roxy. I’m over here.”

What?!

But true to the new voice, most likely Vanitas’s word, there was a new stained glass thing.

“Have you always been there? Or is Sora doing his good deed of the day?”

No response. Great. He had liked the friendship with Ven. The two of them simply existing together and talking.

Vanitas was a new variable. He seemed like an ass, but Ven had mentioned light and darkness. Vanitas may be an ass, but he couldn’t blame it on the darkness, Roxas would make sure of that.

…

…

Things in Sora’s heart got… interesting.

Vanitas mostly left them alone whilst they talked. But when he did contribute, it would be with something sarcastic more often than not.

Roxas would need three organisations to count ho many times he had been insulted.

He was not exaggerating.

Definitely not.

But Vanitas was an ass, but not as much as he had expected. Most of the time he was trying to be an ass, but was really trying to fit a mould. Like he had.

“Hey Vanitas.”

“What.”

“If you stop trying to be an ass all the time, I’ll help you kill whoever it is that I know you want to kill. Unless its Ven. Then I’ll just kill you.”

Vanitas lets out a laugh.

“You’re not as weak as I thought you were, Roxy.”

Not so weak huh?

Maybe Vanitas would grow on him.

…

…

Once again, Roxas settled into a rhythm.

Sometimes he would sit and see what Sora was doing. These days it was mostly just visiting the boring worlds he had been to before.

Sometimes he would plot revenge on everyone who had slighted him.

But more often than not he would talk with Ven and Vanitas.

Things were good, but he felt… odd, like he had forgotten something. He only recognised what it was from memories of feeling the same after the time he spent the day on the clocktower, only to go back and find out he had forgotten a mission he had.

It was kind of worth it then, but felt less worth it now.

“I forgot things too. Maybe you’re trying to remember something your brain has forgotten.”

“…Namine would know what to do. She’d be able to tell me why I’m feeling like this.”

“You’re going to see her again, idiot.”

“Not if she’s dead.”

“… Fuck it. I’m joining your plot to kill DiZ.”

“Good.”

Vanitas sounded slightly too proud at that. But the sudden light-heartedness did nothing to change how he felt, and though he was certain they did not intend on it, he felt worse.

He didn’t want Namine to die.

Whilst his life had been a lie, at least he had a life. Namine had been locked away and had her powers used for all her existence.

She deserved better.

Roxas hoped she was somewhere safe.

He didn’t speak to either of them anymore that day.

…

…

…

But once he had started thinking about it, Roxas couldn’t stop trying to remember.

He knew it was something important to him. There were gaps in his memory. Gaps where something…someone should be.

But who?

Who were they?

“Hey Roxy. I can hear you up here!”

What?

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Nope. But your heart thing is cracking again. Please stop. I’m trying to sleep.”

Oh.

“I’m sorry.”

Nobody responded, and Roxas was fine with that.

He didn’t want to talk. What right did he have to talk to Ven and Vanitas when he couldn’t even remember someone who he was probably close to. Someone who didn’t deserve to be forgotten.

Maybe this person would have been the one to miss him.

He misses her.

She didn’t deserve to be forgotten. Axel was her friend. She could have properly talked with Namine.

She could have had her own life, whoever she was.

Replica or not, she was more real than Roxas. All he had going for him was his own heart. Everything else was Sora.

She had her own heart. Her own body. He was just a nobody, in body and reality.

But who was she?

Roxas’s fist hit the glass before he could stop himself, and tiny cracks spread across it.

The whole situation was ironic.

To think that he would be the reason his heart shattered, rather than by the hand of someone else.

He had always been the cause of his own downfall.

“Stop it idiot! It’s going to break!”

His fist hit the glass again. He didn’t care anymore. Maybe if he were gone, she could return.

“Roxas!”

Roxas ignored Ven’s cry. His fist hit the glass again.

Everything about him was fake.

And again.

He forgot the one person who had never truly betrayed him.

And again.

He was never supposed to exist.

And agai-

A hand grabbed his wrist, but it was too late.

And so Roxas fell into the darkness, heart shattered, left to be forgotten.

**Author's Note:**

> just a few notes for this fic :)  
> I've taken some creative liberties with characterisation.  
> If some things don't line up with canon its because I haven't played all the games, and this was written before i finished 358/2.  
> If you see any mistakes I've made with grammar or anything please let me know. It would be very much appreciated :)


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